Revisiting old journals

I kept a lot of journals over the years, starting at about age 12. I looked through them the other day and was shocked to read some of what I'd written. What I learned is that I started feeling desperate, obsessive, and self-contemptuous several years before I actually developed anorexia.

For instance, I wrote this when I had just turned 15:

"I am so alone. I'm sure that no one would care if I died, including me. There is nothing left for me. I cannot do anything worthwhile, and, in fact, I make life worse for other people. I really wish I could escape my body without death."

I actually wrote a lot of things like that at that age, but I hadn't yet changed my behaviors to try and cope with my feelings of low self-worth. Looking back at the entries written when I was 16, however, I begin to see a lot of lists created in an effort to fix (what I viewed as) my problems. Here's an example:

Things that must be changed:

1) laziness (starred as number 1)
2) speaking my mind ( I am guessing I meant that I should speak my mind)
3) succumbing too easily to direct influence
4) fear
5) study habits
...and here's an odd one...
6)  wear eyeliner always

I can see that I had started to become harder on myself in school and with my music, but I had also taken an intense interest in looking "a certain way." I remember that the girls at my high school wore a lot of makeup, and although I wore a little, I never looked "done up." Wearing more makeup was one of the first steps I made in normalizing my appearance.

My journals stopped that year and didn't pick back up again until I had started to recover from anorexia, but, of course, I know--we all know-- the story. I began to focus on my appearance just as I had focused on other areas I thought needed improvement, but, this time, it quickly got out of control.


It is easy to forget how many changes in thought accumulate in the formation of anorexia, long before behavior is drastically altered. Because there is, I think, a long incubation period for eating disorders, parents and teachers and doctors should be made more aware of the ED warning signs. I don't think anyone in my life knew at the time what was happening with me before it was too late. ED education is definitely something I want to make a priority in my life.