The dinner

Oddly enough, the dinner with my father was not bad.  He was strangely calm. When I think back to my childhood, I can't remember a time when he did not approach me with frighteningly intense judgment and reproach. But, the other night, he was just calm.

I told him how upset I was that my grad school plans had not worked out. I assured him that I was working hard to find a job in town. I talked quickly and self-consciously, worried he would interject at any moment to tell me I had failed.

"Sit up straight, honey," he said. "You need to look like you feel like you're someone."

I laughed nervously and sat up straight, realizing I had hunkered down in my chair as if expecting a blow.

"Be grateful," he said. "You'll never be happy if you're not grateful."

Then, he told me that I had every reason to be happy. He actually listed some of my talents and redeeming qualities, and he said that my unhappiness was perspective. I mean, sure, I thought, some of that is true, but I still had reason to feel sadness at the unraveling of my plans for my future.

So, I told him I had been worried that he would think I was a failure, and I imagined that other people were thinking the same thing as well. I said that this is what had really made me upset.

"I'll never be mad at you for what happens to you," he said. "I'll only ever be upset at you for the way you handle things."

The rest of the conversation was about how he thought I should do things that make me happy, and then maybe a job will follow. He said I should "be me."

These days, my father's mantra is "do what makes you happy." I think it's nice, and I'm glad he actually wants me to enjoy my life. The problem is, I am not exactly at the place in my life where I have the luxury to just think about what makes me happy. I am in a tight, tight financial situation, and it's about to get tighter as I start paying back some student loans. I do try to do things I enjoy (for example, this blog), but I also want to know how to support myself. It is difficult to suddenly be considering the full-time job thing after being so close to having everything paid for for seven years so I can learn about the brain.

I am grateful that my father did not criticize me at the dinner. I am. I just wish he would be there for me in the ways I most need right now.