Memory

I have a really good memory. I remember the smallest details. The other day, my mom was talking about a pizza place we all loved when we lived in Monterey. I was 9 or 10, but, still, the name came to me immediately. I remember the names of all of my classmates since first grade. I remember, in pretty good detail, my experiences living in Portugal when I was 3. But, when it comes to my experience with anorexia, my memory gets blurry at best.

I remember only snapshots of my life at 17, 18, and 19. I strain to remember even those. All that remains are memories of the crises that ensued during that time--like the car wreck and the gain-weight-or-go-to-treatment ultimatum. My memory of life at 5 is better than memory of my life at 18. It's pretty crazy, but I suppose that, biologically, it makes perfect sense. I don't think that the brain is equipped to store memories when in a state of starvation. Because my earlier memories are still intact, I guess it's not the store of one's memories but the act of storing them that is affected by starvation.

And that makes me wonder--am I glad that I don't remember? Or do I wish that I could really remember what life was like when I was so sick, as a reminder to myself to never get that bad again? I guess my feelings are mixed. I am glad that I'm not haunted by flashbacks of my disease. With most bad things that have happened to me, I remember too well. But, on the other hand, I wish that I remembered with greater clarity exactly what my experience was like, so I can share it with others, and so I don't forget that I really can't ever get that way again.

What are your experiences with memory? Does anyone else struggle to remember what it was like when you were really sick?