The healthy me

I have been struggling with my body since I was 8. It was at that age that I first started to develop. Few girls in my grade were experiencing the change, so I felt alone. I wore a uniform that included a white blouse. I had to start wearing an undershirt, which the other girls noticed. For some reason, they felt it was necessary to make fun of me for this...not the undershirt itself, but the reason for wearing it. I was mortified.

At 11, my period started. At the time, I was a competitive swimmer, so there was no way to hide my changing body. I was embarrassed of the way I looked and, once again, felt distanced from my peers. I had horrible cramps, which the cold water only intensified, and I began to skip practices. Three years later, I quit swimming entirely.

Not long after that, I became especially dissatisfied with my body. After exercising intensely for so many years, I gained weight and developed more curves. It wasn't long, of course, before I starved them away.

Today, I am once again dealing with a changing body. I have been at a healthy weight for several years, but I have not been terribly "adult" looking, due to skewed hormone levels. In the last year, however, I have developed a new kind of body-- probably from being probably the healthiest I've been since getting an ED. I am trying to love it, but it's foreign to me. Let's just say my bra size is the biggest it's ever been--even pre-anorexia--and it's a little bit scary. I am no longer exercising at fiendish levels, so my arms and legs are a little softer looking. Though not a function of anorexia, my hair is different than it's been in years. Since high school, I have experimented with highlighting and dying my hair from blonde to dark brown, but it is now its completely natural color...a light brown with flecks of red and blonde.

Basically, everything I am doing right now is in an effort to try and embrace exactly who I am. I am tired of trying to mold myself into someone I'm not. I need to love the little things...like the fact that I am 5'4 and I'm never going to be any taller. I need to love that finding shoes is always going to be a pain in the butt because I am a 6 1/2 and no one wears that size. And I need to love the big things...like my butt and boobs. ;)

Every day I have to remind myself that looking healthy is actually a good thing. I like feeling healthy, so there's no way around looking the part. At least I know I am finally headed in the right direction.