"Right" vs. "Feels right"

I am a naturally anxious person and because of that, I struggle to say "yes" to things. Often, I can think of many more reasons why I should opt out of some activity than why I should opt in. But, when forced to make a decision, how can I sift through all of my self-defeating inclinations in order to answer truthfully as well as optimally?

I recently dealt with this phenomenon when I applied for a part-time hostessing job at a local restaurant and bar. Now, food service is a kind of employment that I never, never thought I would explore. I am shy, introverted, and uncomfortable around food and food services. However, my life has taken many unexpected turns of late, and several days ago I found myself applying to be a hostess.

This particular application was one that I completed somewhat hastily and indifferently on a particularly dreary afternoon last week. I have been worrying about *everyone* going back to school this month except for me, and while I think I will end up staying at the radio station for an ongoing internship, I still have plenty of time to get a part-time job. I am already so far off course from where I thought I would be this year that I have gotten less judicious in my job search. Most of the jobs to which I apply will reject me, I figure, so why not apply to any and all jobs to which I have a slim chance of acceptance? 

So, I sent out my hostessing application and did not expect to hear back from them. Only, I did. The next day.

This Saturday I interviewed at the restaurant, hoping to chalk it up to good experience and further inurement to almost inevitable rejection. It was over in about 10 minutes and I was left with the impression that the manager really did not like me. Plus, she emphasized the job's need for assertiveness and good stress-management, to which I immediately thought, "Yeah, that's not me." Only, I was wrong again because the next day I had a voicemail asking me to call back.

It was at this point that I finally froze.  Besides the fact that I had already decided I would not get the job, I did not even want it. It is minimum wage, two nights a week with hours that run until 1 am or so.  Although I do need money, the main reason I am looking for a job is so I can have something to do during the day that gets me out of the house and boosts my self-esteem a bit. I did not think that this job would accomplish any of my goals, so I decided I would not call back. I reasoned that if I had not gotten the job, the manager would have either said so in the voicemail or not called me in the first place. In the off-chance that she wanted me to call back just to say that I had not gotten the job--well, why would I do that? No, I decided, she wants to tell me that I got the job and I do not want it, so I will just not call back and she will easily find someone else.

Things did not go so smoothly, though, for my BF had something to say first.

"You should call back," he said. "You don't know what she's going to say, and you've already talked yourself out of it. You should give the job a chance at least."

But, I wanted to say, I have carefully--even agonizingly--thought over this, and I don't want to do it! And it will be worse if I agree to do the job and then decide a few days later that I want to quit!

Against my better judgment, I called back and within a few seconds the manager told me, "I would like to offer you the job."

I had been through this scenario in my head, and I was going to ask her for a few days to think it over. In my flustered state, however, I said, "Yes, absolutely!" (Personal observation: Often, the less I want to do something, the more convincingly enthusiastic I sound when I lie and say I want to do it. This is a problem.)

When I hung up the phone, I was shaking with nerves and frustration. Now I had created a mess for myself, and even worse, it was one that I had anticipated. I ended up letting the manager know that I did want the job later that day, which filled me with guilt and remorse, but the whole debacle has really gotten me thinking: How do I know if I am acting out of anxiety or from a place of careful reasoning?

When I told my BF that I did not want the job, before he told me to call back anyway, I felt sure that I had made a logical decision. Yet, he has seen me make illogical, or, rather, anxiety-induced decisions that I later regretted. I think that he wanted me to think it through in as non-emotional  a way as possible. Because I am aware of how self-defeating my anxiety can be, I decided to say "yes" and see if it felt right afterwards--or, at least, manageable.

In this instance, it turned out that I had already made the right decision for myself, but this is often not the case. Someday, I hope, I will be able to discern the "right" choice from the comfortable choice a little more easily. Until then, I have to double-check my gut.

First days

The first day of something new is always hard. Today I started my internship at the local public radio station. My day was full of the ups and downs that accompany new experiences.

Last night, and most of yesterday, actually, was probably the worst. Knowing that an important, highly anticipated day is drawing near always makes me neurotic and anxious. I also did not sleep well last night, and the dream I was having right before I woke up involved having a random physical altercation with a guy on a bus. Needless to say, I was agitated even before I had fully opened my eyes this morning.

Today was not as bad as yesterday, which is absolutely always the way it goes. I know from experience that the anxiety that precedes a big event is worse than the anxiety that actually accompanies the event. I think that this is because my greatest anxieties stem from a fear of the unknown. What worries me most is an inability to  anticipate exactly how something will go. Today, for instance, I did not know until the day was over how long I would be at the radio station because I had been told that the hours would vary. This is the kind of thing that makes me batty, trust me. No schedule, organized and composed to a barely-human level of precision? I become unhinged.

Looking back over my day, though, I see that it was not so bad. And I can feel a LITTLE bit proud of myself. I learned a lot of new material and managed to follow instructions that were given in broadcasting lingo (definitions not provided). Heck, I even recorded myself and learned how to edit the audio. Trust me, it is a strange and humbling experience to listen to feedback of yourself talking in a sound-proofed recording studio. Let's just say that the voice inside my head does not sound like a 10-year-old girl.

I hope that, with enough practice, I will be able to face new experiences with calm, knowing that my anxieties are almost always unfounded. I also need to work on accepting that I cannot predict everything, and, sometimes, I just have to live and learn in the moment. Until then, I just have to get through the day-before panic attacks.

Anxiety

I have always been anxious person. I think that anxiety fed into my eating disorder, my eating disorder fed into my anxieties, and, before I knew it, fear had taken over my life. Part of my large-scale approach to ED recovery has been to tackle specific anxieties that I have. The other day, I started to wonder if maybe other ED sufferers have some of the same non-ED-related anxieties I do. In the past, I have gone out of my way to work around my anxieties and to keep them hidden from people I know. Part of it was because I thought I could not possibly add to my already-long list of publicly known anxieties, but part of it was because I thought I had some strange fears and that no one could possibly understand them. I am going to list some of the ones I that I have been embarrassed about here, so that if you share any of them, you can know you are not the only one!

1. Fear of driving

Even before I had my bad car wreck 5 years ago, I was anxious about driving. I did not get my license until I was 17, and that was only at my parents' urging. This has been such a huge anxiety for me that I have literally deprived myself of friends, jobs, and opportunities that required me to drive somewhere that made me uncomfortable. So, lately I have been taking on more driving, and my anxiety is actually diminishing. I think this particular anxiety will get better the more experience I take on.

2. Fear of spontaneous outings

If I am going to get together with other people, I have to know exactly how long the outing will last and exactly what we will do. I am not one for "hanging out."  Needless to say, this is not how most people operate, especially college students. My unwillingness to just allow things to unfold spontaneously has severely limited my ability to make friends. My new attitude is that if someone invites me to do something, I am just going to do it. I am hoping that, eventually, I will actually be able to enjoy hanging out with people.

3. Fear of sleeping somewhere besides my own bed

Ok, this one I have literally had as long as I can remember. I was not a child who liked having sleepovers. I even got anxious about sleeping in another bed when family came to visit. I am not quite sure how this anxiety originated, or why it has persisted so doggedly, but I certainly wish I could be more relaxed about sleeping in different beds. I am not sure how to fix this anxiety, as it has never gotten better, but I am hopeful that it will. In the mean time, I am not going to let this anxiety keep me from visiting friends or family.

If any of these anxieties resonate with you, I will include more later!