"Right" vs. "Feels right"

I am a naturally anxious person and because of that, I struggle to say "yes" to things. Often, I can think of many more reasons why I should opt out of some activity than why I should opt in. But, when forced to make a decision, how can I sift through all of my self-defeating inclinations in order to answer truthfully as well as optimally?

I recently dealt with this phenomenon when I applied for a part-time hostessing job at a local restaurant and bar. Now, food service is a kind of employment that I never, never thought I would explore. I am shy, introverted, and uncomfortable around food and food services. However, my life has taken many unexpected turns of late, and several days ago I found myself applying to be a hostess.

This particular application was one that I completed somewhat hastily and indifferently on a particularly dreary afternoon last week. I have been worrying about *everyone* going back to school this month except for me, and while I think I will end up staying at the radio station for an ongoing internship, I still have plenty of time to get a part-time job. I am already so far off course from where I thought I would be this year that I have gotten less judicious in my job search. Most of the jobs to which I apply will reject me, I figure, so why not apply to any and all jobs to which I have a slim chance of acceptance? 

So, I sent out my hostessing application and did not expect to hear back from them. Only, I did. The next day.

This Saturday I interviewed at the restaurant, hoping to chalk it up to good experience and further inurement to almost inevitable rejection. It was over in about 10 minutes and I was left with the impression that the manager really did not like me. Plus, she emphasized the job's need for assertiveness and good stress-management, to which I immediately thought, "Yeah, that's not me." Only, I was wrong again because the next day I had a voicemail asking me to call back.

It was at this point that I finally froze.  Besides the fact that I had already decided I would not get the job, I did not even want it. It is minimum wage, two nights a week with hours that run until 1 am or so.  Although I do need money, the main reason I am looking for a job is so I can have something to do during the day that gets me out of the house and boosts my self-esteem a bit. I did not think that this job would accomplish any of my goals, so I decided I would not call back. I reasoned that if I had not gotten the job, the manager would have either said so in the voicemail or not called me in the first place. In the off-chance that she wanted me to call back just to say that I had not gotten the job--well, why would I do that? No, I decided, she wants to tell me that I got the job and I do not want it, so I will just not call back and she will easily find someone else.

Things did not go so smoothly, though, for my BF had something to say first.

"You should call back," he said. "You don't know what she's going to say, and you've already talked yourself out of it. You should give the job a chance at least."

But, I wanted to say, I have carefully--even agonizingly--thought over this, and I don't want to do it! And it will be worse if I agree to do the job and then decide a few days later that I want to quit!

Against my better judgment, I called back and within a few seconds the manager told me, "I would like to offer you the job."

I had been through this scenario in my head, and I was going to ask her for a few days to think it over. In my flustered state, however, I said, "Yes, absolutely!" (Personal observation: Often, the less I want to do something, the more convincingly enthusiastic I sound when I lie and say I want to do it. This is a problem.)

When I hung up the phone, I was shaking with nerves and frustration. Now I had created a mess for myself, and even worse, it was one that I had anticipated. I ended up letting the manager know that I did want the job later that day, which filled me with guilt and remorse, but the whole debacle has really gotten me thinking: How do I know if I am acting out of anxiety or from a place of careful reasoning?

When I told my BF that I did not want the job, before he told me to call back anyway, I felt sure that I had made a logical decision. Yet, he has seen me make illogical, or, rather, anxiety-induced decisions that I later regretted. I think that he wanted me to think it through in as non-emotional  a way as possible. Because I am aware of how self-defeating my anxiety can be, I decided to say "yes" and see if it felt right afterwards--or, at least, manageable.

In this instance, it turned out that I had already made the right decision for myself, but this is often not the case. Someday, I hope, I will be able to discern the "right" choice from the comfortable choice a little more easily. Until then, I have to double-check my gut.