First days

The first day of something new is always hard. Today I started my internship at the local public radio station. My day was full of the ups and downs that accompany new experiences.

Last night, and most of yesterday, actually, was probably the worst. Knowing that an important, highly anticipated day is drawing near always makes me neurotic and anxious. I also did not sleep well last night, and the dream I was having right before I woke up involved having a random physical altercation with a guy on a bus. Needless to say, I was agitated even before I had fully opened my eyes this morning.

Today was not as bad as yesterday, which is absolutely always the way it goes. I know from experience that the anxiety that precedes a big event is worse than the anxiety that actually accompanies the event. I think that this is because my greatest anxieties stem from a fear of the unknown. What worries me most is an inability to  anticipate exactly how something will go. Today, for instance, I did not know until the day was over how long I would be at the radio station because I had been told that the hours would vary. This is the kind of thing that makes me batty, trust me. No schedule, organized and composed to a barely-human level of precision? I become unhinged.

Looking back over my day, though, I see that it was not so bad. And I can feel a LITTLE bit proud of myself. I learned a lot of new material and managed to follow instructions that were given in broadcasting lingo (definitions not provided). Heck, I even recorded myself and learned how to edit the audio. Trust me, it is a strange and humbling experience to listen to feedback of yourself talking in a sound-proofed recording studio. Let's just say that the voice inside my head does not sound like a 10-year-old girl.

I hope that, with enough practice, I will be able to face new experiences with calm, knowing that my anxieties are almost always unfounded. I also need to work on accepting that I cannot predict everything, and, sometimes, I just have to live and learn in the moment. Until then, I just have to get through the day-before panic attacks.