Possibly at rock-bottom

First of all, sorry, readers, for not posting as regularly as usual. I have been working on writing another piece this past week that has absorbed most of my creative energy.

Now, on to my current state: I am feeling very emotionally fragile. I have received an exorbitant amount of criticism this year. I need to write it all out as it follows in my head. The time line follows thusly:

1) I graduate from college in December, anticipating a brief vacation from school.
2) In January, I get a phone call from Drexel inviting me for an interview in mid-Feb. Yay!
3) Just before I leave for my interview in Philadelphia, I get an email from UCLA inviting me out for an interview. I am ecstatic. UCLA is my top choice. It represents everything I want for my future.
4) I go to my Drexel interview, and I feel like it goes really well. A week later, I get a call from the school saying that I am rejected. I am asked if I have any other interviews, I say yes, and then I am encouraged to "not feel like a loser" on my next interview. Wow, thanks.
5) A week later, I am off to my interview at my dream school. I am still a little stung by my recent rejection, but I am not letting it hold me back. UCLA pays to have my flown out to CA, and they pay for my meals and my room. Seems pretty promising.
6) I do a kick-ass job at UCLA. No kidding. I eat three meals a day around people I don't know, I navigate my way around campus (It's L.A. Think about that for a minute.), and I successfully complete 5 back-to-back faculty interviews. During my last interview, I meet my dream researcher, who studies anorexia. We really have a good rapport. Then, I am rushed back home to await UCLA's decision.
7) A week later, I get an rejection email. I ask for advice concerning my performance on what I could have done better. The response? "We cannot offer that kind of information to applicants." Ok, so I am not going to grad school, and I don't even know why. I email the anorexia researcher guy, but he really has no helpful advice, either.
8) I am hurting, but I apply feverishly to many, many jobs in town, I get rejected from all of them. Even Lucky Brand Jeans.
9) I move on to volunteer applications, hoping to just find something--anything--to do. I get zero responses.
10) Not willing to give up all hope, I try to reclaim old passions and interests. I begin to write again. I try picking up music. I go to hear my old fiddle teacher play. I ask for lessons. He says no.
11) Now, we have arrived at this week. I get weighed, and it is bad. My boyfriend leaves to go to a conference in Canada. I can't even text him. I am lonely, and I am stuck with my thoughts.

Well, thank you for humoring me throughout that lengthy whine-fest. I really needed to do that. I know that a pity-me attitude is not going to help me, but I have worked so hard in these past months to not give up, to keep on moving forward even when I see no reason to even try anymore. And, I feel that I just have been denied even a crumb of acceptance. I feel universally rejected. In fact, I am not sure that I can be scorned further without it just being a repeat of something that has recently happened. Can I sink any lower? Probably not.

Now what?

I haven't posted in a while because I have been extremely upset. As it turns out, I did not get into grad school. I got really close to being accepted to UCLA, but, ultimately, I didn't have enough "experience." Funny, because I am not sure how to get it now.

I have spent the last two weeks trying to figure out what to do. I need a place to live, a job, and at least a whit of direction. I can't even think about school right now; I'm too burned out by academia. My self-identity, which has always rested heavily on my academic accomplishment, has taken a severe beating. I am realizing that because I was so focused on getting through school as perfectly as possible, I have lost every single hobby and extracurricular interest I ever had. I am somewhat dull these days, to put it nicely. If you asked me what I "do for fun," I would have to politely decline answering.

Every day is a struggle for me right now. The hours just strain slowly by, as I sit here at my laptop in a mental fog. I really feel that I have reached out to everyone I know, and no one knows what to tell me. I think I am one of those worst-scenario cases who makes people cringe and feel grateful it's not them..."Wow, that girl just has nothing left. Everything fell apart for her!"