An unfullfulling emptiness

I am now graduated from college, and it is just as bad as I feared. Yes, I am going to graduate school in the fall, and I will eventually find a job, but knowing those things doesn't help. Without a solid routine or daily cognitive workouts for my overactive brain, I am completely floundering. It is akin to my circumstances post-high school graduation, and yet I find I am a much different person. It is after I graduated high school that my anorexia reached its most devastating point, as I searched for ways to add structure and reliability to my new life. This time, however, I find that my old routines give me no comfort and, frankly, I no longer feel compelled to adhere to them. I don't mind when I get up, eat breakfast, go to the gym, or whether I even go to the gym at all. It doesn't matter to me whether I go out, where I go, or when I come home. Maybe all of this sounds typical for a normal young twenty-something, but it is highly alien to me. None of my remaining routines are unhealthy anymore; they just provide consistency. I am torn whether or not to pursue them because even though I feel lost and depressed, I have come a long way from the days where I had to downright breathe on a set schedule.

There is overwhelming silence without anorexia. My mind is just so empty, in an unhappy, restless kind of way. I do not know what makes me happy anymore. I know I should feel proud that I do not feel driven by anorexic urges anymore, but it seems that there is nothing else inside of me now that the rules and rigidity have left. I remember Dr. Anita Johnson telling me one time that no one becomes anorexic without a reason; for some people at some time in their lives, it is the only coping mechanism they know. Well, that was certainly true of me five years ago, but now anorexia offers me no solace. It is an old, faded trick that no longer beguiles me. Yet, I am dying to know, what else is there?