Abuse

What is abuse, really? I think it's an oversimplified, under-appreciated term used to describe one person's physical or emotional control over another. In my case, it's a pattern I have found myself in again and again. As a young child, I lived in fear of my father and his violent rages against me. He never hit me, but he seemed to be so profoundly disgusted with who I was that I came to believe I was as bad as he said I was. Lately, though, I have come to think that the most damaging result of his treatment of me is that I find it difficult to think or stand up for myself. I learned young that it was better not to have a desire or opinion that he could so easily and brutally deny.

These days, I still struggle with owning my own thoughts. This is why I continue to develop damaging relationships. A certain person told me today, in response to me saying to him that I was scared of him, "Do you want me to give you something to scared about?" He then proceeded to tell me that I was not actually in a abusive relationship but, rather, called "abuse," so to speak, in order to get attention. Not true. I do actually become involved in relationships that I am going to call "abusive" because the abuser in them does not allow me to think or act for myself without repercussion. And I stay in abusive relationships because in a strange and disturbing way, they are comfortable. Abuse is familiar territory for me, and when I am low I crave the numbness that abuse creates. My response mechanism is to just turn off the hurt and stay low. Lock my door, turn on the music, and tell myself it's for the best; I don't really deserve anything more anyway.

Well, guess what, abusers, I am no longer going to cower like some animal. I may not feel like I deserve to be in healthy relationships now, but I am going to protect myself and wait until the day I realize it's what I've deserved all along.