School/food restriction reward mechanism

Forgive me, but this posting is going to be very convoluted as I struggle to make sense of my thoughts...

Now that my school routines are gone, I am beginning to realize just how much my eating routines were tied in with academic performance. Ever since the onset of anorexia, I no longer respond normally or appropriately to positive stimuli. Every enjoyable, pleasurable sensation I am able to have relies on a directly preceding accomplishment. That is, even though I typically enjoy shopping, for instance, I am numb to enjoying such an outing without having "earned" it. Furthermore, this "earning" process is quite complex. Part of it involves some sort of hardship or personal suffering on my part. This equation will always involve food restriction or denial. The other part of the equation involves accomplishing something with the added burden of doing it while hungry. Thus, while I was in school, I carefully crafted my days to earn a feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day. All day long, I would work hard in my classes, all the while extremely hungry and driven to consume large quantities of such stomach fillers as soda and gum.

It was intensely miserable, but the formula worked because at the end of the day, I could actually relax. There are many reasons for this. Partly, I could feel good given the contrast between suffering and then relaxing at home. Yet, I also constructed little personal victories every day. I have always been extremely hard on myself and, for whatever reason, I decided along the way that just keeping a 4.0 GPA in school was not enough to feel good about myself. I also had to suffer while doing it. The added burden of food restriction somehow made me able to feel proud of myself. Somehow, this daily cycle of suffering and allowing myself to let go at the end of the day consumed every basic pleasure I had, so that I could not enjoy anything without somehow working hard or suffering first. I have gotten less restrictive and demanding on myself since school ended, mostly, I think, because much of my restrictions rely on school. It is not enough to just restrict food intake without having to go to school as well, so I just don't feel compelled to rigidly control my eating--the reward feedback is just not there. This is why I am currently left feeling empty and depressed and disinclined to push myself. This leaves me two huge concerns: one, will the closely meshed food-school reward mechanism come back when I go to graduate school,and two, how can I ever again respond "normally" to positive stimuli? This is what I will be trying to figure out in the months to come.