Love

It says a lot about the fickle, ever-changing nature of life that the day after I write about abuse, the meaning of love is on my mind. The contrast likely has a lot to do with it, too. Thank goodness for life's surprise blessings.

It is hard for me to say if this is how I've always been, but at least after having had anorexia, I find I am not at all driven by bodily desires. While in some ways I feel cheated, I also feel that being freed from corporeal temptations allows me to discover purer goods. I know that if I fall in love with someone, it really is due to an emotional and spiritual connection, not mere physicality.

The reason I am feeling blessed today is that there is a certain someone in my life who, I believe, feels the way I do. This person (whom I shall call "X") loves me, I am sure, for reasons that far exceed my exterior. X has loved me during all of the difficult circumstances that have surrounded my life recently. X has seen my face awash with teary makeup and loved it just as much as its clearer, brighter version. X has promised to be at my side in a moment's noticed and proved it consistently. I really believe that X has taught me the meaning of love, for he has loved me unconditionally, without asking anything in return.

Abuse

What is abuse, really? I think it's an oversimplified, under-appreciated term used to describe one person's physical or emotional control over another. In my case, it's a pattern I have found myself in again and again. As a young child, I lived in fear of my father and his violent rages against me. He never hit me, but he seemed to be so profoundly disgusted with who I was that I came to believe I was as bad as he said I was. Lately, though, I have come to think that the most damaging result of his treatment of me is that I find it difficult to think or stand up for myself. I learned young that it was better not to have a desire or opinion that he could so easily and brutally deny.

These days, I still struggle with owning my own thoughts. This is why I continue to develop damaging relationships. A certain person told me today, in response to me saying to him that I was scared of him, "Do you want me to give you something to scared about?" He then proceeded to tell me that I was not actually in a abusive relationship but, rather, called "abuse," so to speak, in order to get attention. Not true. I do actually become involved in relationships that I am going to call "abusive" because the abuser in them does not allow me to think or act for myself without repercussion. And I stay in abusive relationships because in a strange and disturbing way, they are comfortable. Abuse is familiar territory for me, and when I am low I crave the numbness that abuse creates. My response mechanism is to just turn off the hurt and stay low. Lock my door, turn on the music, and tell myself it's for the best; I don't really deserve anything more anyway.

Well, guess what, abusers, I am no longer going to cower like some animal. I may not feel like I deserve to be in healthy relationships now, but I am going to protect myself and wait until the day I realize it's what I've deserved all along.

Question for readers

As I was reflecting on my past few entries, I had the concern that perhaps I am not being helpful enough, especially since I have graduated and grown depressed. Writing out my feelings is certainly helpful for me, but is it helpful to readers out there? Let me know if you would prefer different kinds of entries, or even if you are content with my writing style.

School/food restriction reward mechanism

Forgive me, but this posting is going to be very convoluted as I struggle to make sense of my thoughts...

Now that my school routines are gone, I am beginning to realize just how much my eating routines were tied in with academic performance. Ever since the onset of anorexia, I no longer respond normally or appropriately to positive stimuli. Every enjoyable, pleasurable sensation I am able to have relies on a directly preceding accomplishment. That is, even though I typically enjoy shopping, for instance, I am numb to enjoying such an outing without having "earned" it. Furthermore, this "earning" process is quite complex. Part of it involves some sort of hardship or personal suffering on my part. This equation will always involve food restriction or denial. The other part of the equation involves accomplishing something with the added burden of doing it while hungry. Thus, while I was in school, I carefully crafted my days to earn a feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day. All day long, I would work hard in my classes, all the while extremely hungry and driven to consume large quantities of such stomach fillers as soda and gum.

It was intensely miserable, but the formula worked because at the end of the day, I could actually relax. There are many reasons for this. Partly, I could feel good given the contrast between suffering and then relaxing at home. Yet, I also constructed little personal victories every day. I have always been extremely hard on myself and, for whatever reason, I decided along the way that just keeping a 4.0 GPA in school was not enough to feel good about myself. I also had to suffer while doing it. The added burden of food restriction somehow made me able to feel proud of myself. Somehow, this daily cycle of suffering and allowing myself to let go at the end of the day consumed every basic pleasure I had, so that I could not enjoy anything without somehow working hard or suffering first. I have gotten less restrictive and demanding on myself since school ended, mostly, I think, because much of my restrictions rely on school. It is not enough to just restrict food intake without having to go to school as well, so I just don't feel compelled to rigidly control my eating--the reward feedback is just not there. This is why I am currently left feeling empty and depressed and disinclined to push myself. This leaves me two huge concerns: one, will the closely meshed food-school reward mechanism come back when I go to graduate school,and two, how can I ever again respond "normally" to positive stimuli? This is what I will be trying to figure out in the months to come.

An unfullfulling emptiness

I am now graduated from college, and it is just as bad as I feared. Yes, I am going to graduate school in the fall, and I will eventually find a job, but knowing those things doesn't help. Without a solid routine or daily cognitive workouts for my overactive brain, I am completely floundering. It is akin to my circumstances post-high school graduation, and yet I find I am a much different person. It is after I graduated high school that my anorexia reached its most devastating point, as I searched for ways to add structure and reliability to my new life. This time, however, I find that my old routines give me no comfort and, frankly, I no longer feel compelled to adhere to them. I don't mind when I get up, eat breakfast, go to the gym, or whether I even go to the gym at all. It doesn't matter to me whether I go out, where I go, or when I come home. Maybe all of this sounds typical for a normal young twenty-something, but it is highly alien to me. None of my remaining routines are unhealthy anymore; they just provide consistency. I am torn whether or not to pursue them because even though I feel lost and depressed, I have come a long way from the days where I had to downright breathe on a set schedule.

There is overwhelming silence without anorexia. My mind is just so empty, in an unhappy, restless kind of way. I do not know what makes me happy anymore. I know I should feel proud that I do not feel driven by anorexic urges anymore, but it seems that there is nothing else inside of me now that the rules and rigidity have left. I remember Dr. Anita Johnson telling me one time that no one becomes anorexic without a reason; for some people at some time in their lives, it is the only coping mechanism they know. Well, that was certainly true of me five years ago, but now anorexia offers me no solace. It is an old, faded trick that no longer beguiles me. Yet, I am dying to know, what else is there?