The thrill is gone

I actually think things in the ED world have gotten better lately, and I can't really explain why. I have no structure to my days, yet I don't feel the urge to meticulously script them in my usual, irrational, obsessive way.

I really don't exercise compulsively anymore. Having a day off from working out used to make me on edge for the whole day, but I now I can actually ENJOY resting. And when I feel like exercising, I do...for as long as feels right. I do not punish myself if I don't work out "hard enough" or "long enough"--I actually feel pride knowing I am being good to my body!

My eating has also gotten better--inexplicably. I am trying to do something a little different every day, whether it's eating a different thing, or even just eating a different combination of things at different times of the day (I used to have a tolerance of zero-variance). And, guess what--I feel better! My stomach hasn't been upset lately, and I have more energy. I think this is the first time in my life since having had anorexia that "feeling good" is a motivating factor.

So, I have been trying to figure out why I have gotten less rigid about my routines since the grad school failure happened. My best guess is that when my carefully- crafted world fell apart, I saw that my routines offered no protection against chaos. The appearance of safety was shattered. I can do things the exact same way every day, or I can be completely spontaneous, but things like what I eat do not affect the big picture of my life. I think I am almost relieved (almost) that things didn't work out, just so I could prove to myself that rigidity and routine are not necessary in living a productive life. I will definitely be thinking more about this. Yay for unforeseen blessings!