A mix of sunshine and rain

 I am happy to report that something is finally going my way. I get to do an internship at a local radio station this summer. The plan is to learn how to develop and produce news stories for radio. I am happy that I get to do something that will sharpen my writing chops. And, frankly, I'm just glad that I am going to have something to do. Sure, it doesn't pay, but I will learn valuable skills. More to come when I actually start (on May 17)!

On a less cheerful note, I am bummed about an email that I got a few days ago. As you know from my last post, I was really excited about going to hear C play the fiddle. I was so excited, in fact, that I had the idea (and I thought it was a good one) that maybe I could take lessons from him again. I feel like I could use some guidance and a bit of a push. However, this was his reply:

"I think you would be better off with someone who has more time for regular lessons."

And...

"I am getting a bit burned out at the moment on teaching and need a long summer break."

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that teaching can be an exhausting profession and that people need breaks. That's not a problem. But C and I had a pretty close relationship at one time, and, as far as I can tell, he had an interest in me personally--not just as a student, but also as a friend. I was hoping for lessons, yes, but I was also hoping to rekindle our friendship. I was hoping to have someone to jam with. I miss hanging out with musicians, and I thought seeing him on a regular basis would help open up that world again.

My Heal-Emma-Project these days largely involves working to reclaim some of the good stuff that I lost in my anorexic hibernation. It involves writing and reading and playing music again, and it involves getting back in touch with people with whom I never should have lost contact. This is some hard shit. I am having to become open and vulnerable. Going to hear C play was really, really hard. The fiddle is just such a huge emotional trigger for me because it is what fed into my ED at its inception. I thought I'd never even be able to open my case again, much less play what's inside it.

So. I guess the fiddle lessons shut-down hurt most because I thought C would want to have me back in his life. And I have dealt with A LOT of rejection lately. I guess the lesson learned is that just because I want to reclaim a relationship doesn't mean the other person does. And just because I open myself up doesn't mean I will be accepted. These are hard lessons to learn.