Compartmentalizing myself

Why is it that people with anorexia tend to compartmentalize their lives--even down to facets of their identity? In my own life, my primary identities include the "Girlfriend Emma," the (former) "School Emma," and the "Anorexic Emma." If I had a job right now, there would most definitely be an "Employee Emma."

I work hard to keep the anorexic Emma concealed and safety quarantined from the others. In areas of my life where I excel, I don't want anyone to know about my anorexia and risk tarnishing my "perfect" image. Yet, when it comes to non-anorexic parts of my life, it's not that I won't integrate them; it's that I can't.

I just have a thing about clear and concise lines of demarcation. I like feeling like I'm moving from one precise boundary to the next. For instance, School Emma was very predictable. She would always get to her classes a little bit early, sit near the front of the room, and take good notes. She would begin studying for her tests a week and a half in advance, and she would always write her papers early. And, you know what? School Emma was successful. No parts of her life--even anorexia--overlapped sloppily with her school self.

Yes, now that I think of it, mixing identities is sloppy...and messy and careless. I never liked the kids who would come to class reeking of another part of their lives (ahem, drinking and partying). But, seriously, why can't everyone keep their lives cleanly together? It just seems right and proper. There is just a proper time and place for every demeanor.

I am taking a stand against concealing the Anorexic Emma, however. I realize that part of recovery is getting over feelings of shame and covertness and tugging your anorexia security blanket from your tightly-closed fists. By writing this blog, I am taking away the secretive aspect of the disorder and allowing Anorexic Emma to mingle with the crowd.