Today was one of those difficult days in recovery. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, who makes a point of weighing me every time I see her. Generally I am not too focused on the weight; I know how I look and feel and that suits me just fine. I never weigh myself at home. But something about the number today really bothered me. I knew I had some hormonal activity, which likely contributed to the slight fluctuation, but knowing that didn't help. I became fixated on the event until I realized that it wasn't so much the weight that bothered me, but the number. Once I realized that, I let the obsession go and focused on more important things.
Numbers have always been a problem for me, and I imagine that they are for other anorexics as well. There is something about numbers and figures that aggravates my already obsessive nature. Numbers are so blessedly concrete-- the exact opposite of the cloudy amorphousness that is anxiety. That's why it's easy to think that if you just weigh this specific amount, or eat exactly just this much food, or wear this size, you can keep your anxiety at bay. Unfortunately, this can make anxiety even worse, because you have to work so hard to keep sizes and quantities exact, and what if--by some horrible misfortune--you stray from that number! I work hard, in fact, to strip my life of numbers. I have found that the fewer quantifiable constraints I place on myself, the better.
Numbers are only problematic not only because they stimulate obsessive thinking, but because they can be labels. If you think about it, why would you want to be defined by a number? Numbers like age, weight, and height are depersonalizing. I would rather be known for my personality or accomplishments than my physical dimensions. In the end, that is what we will all be known for, anyway. So don't devote your time and energy to numbers--they are no solution to anxiety, and they don't define you in any significant way.
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Numbers are so blessedly concrete-- the exact opposite of the cloudy amorphousness that is anxiety. That's why it's easy to think that if you just weigh this specific amount, or eat exactly just this much food, or wear this size, you can keep your anxiety at bay. Unfortunately, this can make anxiety even worse, because you have to work so hard to keep sizes and quantities exact, and what if--by some horrible misfortune--you stray from that number!"
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail right on the head there Emma. I've actually never thought of numbers being labels before. And girl, I'm all about the labels. I don't want to be labeled, I'd rather die than be a label. So that's really something for me to mentally chew on. Thanks!