From nothingness to communion

I was thinking today that the things I want are really quite simple. Yet, anorexia--for all of its self-effacing qualities-- is extraordinarily complex. It seeks to gain an intangible numbness and near-emptiness by denying one of the most fundamental necessities of life. Trying to get what you want by denying something it takes to live is quite a task towards achieving fulfillment. I have felt so often that I fiercely strain for what I want, when all that I crave is a certain state of being-- nothing material. It seems bitterly ironic that I should starve myself to achieve my simple desires, so either I am utterly misdirected or my desires are not so simple. Which is it?

I think it is some of both. For one, my path towards happiness has always been self-negating in nature. It has often seemed to me that the more substance I contain--the more I feel, or the more I physical space I comprise--the more unhappy I am. The less of "me" that there is, the better. I cannot condone wanting to diminishing myself physically, but I do think there is some legitimacy to wanting to feel less of myself. I believe this may be related to the underpinnings of Eastern philosophy, which emphasizes universal "oneness" over individual containment. I think I just want to feel like I am part of something, and it is actually draining to focus on myself for so long. Given that our culture is so "me"-focused, however, I think it takes some extra effort to seek harmony with others. I think it is healthy to tailor my desire to be numb from myself towards feeling outside of myself. I think it may be a process of redirecting my energies away from creating nothingness to creating a communion with people and ideas that are around me.